Hey. Needed a poetry break to just pull up my chair and talk.
I have a lot of conflicting thoughts rolling around in my brain these days.
It seems as soon as I determine to spring up and seize the day with confidence, as soon as I dare to allow myself to feel a part of life, something sneaks in to steal it away.
It might be a circumstance, a physical ailment, or even just a chance thought that spirals down to take the wind out of my sails.
But, whatever it is, it’s there, staring me down, reminding me of my 30+ year track record of failure.
I stare into the internal mirror and find all the self-love I have strived for is all but dried up.
And so quickly. So easily.
And I ponder what it must be like to be a person who does not struggle to embrace who they are.
I wonder what I could’ve been “if only”.
I acknowledge the people who say I’ve done more than I think and it’s not too late to do more, but it is less something that makes a dent and more of a nod to the fact I should believe this.
But, on these days, I just can’t.
I stare down the long rows of things that I never did, never became, never will, never stop running from…
And I feel like apologizing to anyone and everyone I’ve ever let down.
My parents. My kids. My husband. My so-called friends.
Teachers and bosses and publishers.
Even the autism community I am supposed to be inspiring by proving all we can do…
But, in the end, this is part of me. I can’t erase or escape it.
I will always be more introspective, my own worst critic, and one to live a quieter, less showy existence.
To many eyes, that will equal failure.
To my bank account it certainly does! 😏
Yet, if I can just let myself be, the good days and the bad days and all the days in-between, to recognize the ride for what it is without fretting about how I’ve let down the world…
Perhaps I could stand a chance to love this scarred-up old soul of mine a little more often…