Finding impending trips don’t mean an escape from the harsher realities of PTSD and spectrum life…

And finding I can’t seem to shut up on here lately. Sorry for any who are sick of me not taking the break I alluded to like 4 days ago. 🙄

Oh, friends, I really want this thing to be a positive experience! In fact, between you and me, I need it to. Why, then, am I so scared? Why can’t I get this contrary mind of mine in gear ?! Arrrgh!!!! 

I draw my knees up into my chest,

Lay my head down,

And go silent in my tears,

As if I can gradually disappear inside

Myself,

Washing away the ugly years of fears.

I grow fiercely guarded,

Protective of my right to a private sort of

Meltdown moment.

Don’t want to share it;

Don’t really relish even having to

Own it.

It’s just there, harping

More and more and more…

The word “breakdown” edges in sharply,

Jagged shards bursting from the door-

The one I thought I had tightly shut and barred.

I don’t really even feel aware of who I am,

Or where I want to be.

Inside, all is careening out the dam

But, damnit all, I’m still not free.

Cannot let myself fall off the ledge now.

Not convenient to the upcoming itinerary!

God, please show me how…

Don’t let me lose my grip on my sanity…

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